i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
you made out with another girl for some wings
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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