remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just gift wrapped bread.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
