my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
