Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
