She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
