Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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