I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
