Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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