Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
