in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
