I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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