My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
