There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?