I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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