I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
