totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
