I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
