DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
