No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
