i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
