You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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