Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
