i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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