My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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