i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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