I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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