Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
