Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
