Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
