Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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