I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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