He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
