You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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