Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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