new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
