God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
