So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
