If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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