More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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