Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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