WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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