I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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