wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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