Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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