No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
that is very illegal...i love you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
