If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
