I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
