i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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