Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this just has baby written all over it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
