my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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