I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
