I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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