He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
