why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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