i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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