She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
