some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Randomize
