just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
