He is an equal opportunity slut.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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