He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
